LIFESTYLE NEWS - Negotiation is often associated with boardrooms, courtrooms and high-stakes commercial deals. Yet parents may not realise that they are already helping their children develop negotiation skills during some of the most formative moments of their lives – from bedtime and homework to screen time and arguments over who gets the front seat.

According to Advocate Veerash Srikison, a mediator and lecturer in Leadership at the Stellenbosch Business School Executive Development, negotiation is not simply a corporate skill that children acquire later in life.

“Negotiation is a life skill, and, like every life skill, it is best learned early and practised daily. I have mediated many a conflict, witnessing disputes that could have been avoided if they had learned, as children, how to negotiate well,” says Srikison.

At home, children can too easily become the subjects of decisions rather than participants in them. Parents may make decisions about their children instead of involving them in age-appropriate discussions.

Srikison says the difference is important.

“When you teach your child to negotiate, you are not raising a sharper deal-maker. You are raising an adult who can disagree without destroying, who can hear an opposing view without feeling threatened, and who can solve problems with words rather than walls,” she says.

Give children a voice in decisions

The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child and the South African Children’s Act recognise children's right to be heard in matters affecting them, with their views considered according to their age, development and maturity.

This does not mean children should be given control over household decisions, says Srikison. Instead, parents can use everyday situations to teach them how to reason, participate and find constructive solutions.

“When you listen to your child, you teach them to reason and a child who learns to reason learns to negotiate rather than to demand. When you encourage negotiation, you teach participation rather than victory,” she says.

Teach children the difference between wants and needs

One way parents can begin is by helping children understand the difference between a position and an interest.

For example, a child who insists on staying up for another hour may appear to be demanding a later bedtime. That is the position.

The underlying interest could be a fear of missing out, wanting to spend more time with a parent or simply not wanting the day to end.

Once the underlying interest is understood, parents can explore a compromise. This could include allowing a later bedtime at the weekend in exchange for maintaining a calm weekday routine.

Through these everyday conversations, children learn that successful outcomes often begin with understanding what another person actually needs.

Offer choices – but keep boundaries

Srikison recommends giving children real but clearly defined choices.

Instead of asking, “What would you like to do?”, parents could ask whether their child would prefer to complete homework before supper or afterwards.

Both options are acceptable to the parent, but the child gets to exercise genuine agency within an established boundary.

“Remember to praise the reasoning, not only the result. When your child makes a fair argument, name it: ‘That's a good point, you've thought about your sister too.’ You are rewarding the very skills of perspective-taking, fairness and problem-solving, attributes that make for a strong negotiator,” she says.

Ask questions before arguing

Parents should also learn to ask questions before immediately entering into an argument, says Srikison.

“Most conflicts are misunderstandings in disguise, and a genuine question often dissolves them. The best agreements, as any seasoned negotiator will tell you, are the ones people reach themselves, so a solution your child helps to design is one your child will honour,” she says.

Allowing children to participate in finding solutions can also help them develop a sense of responsibility for the outcome.

Children learn by watching their parents

Parents should remember that children often learn more from what they observe than from what they are told.

When parents negotiate respectfully with a partner or co-parent, without contempt or hostility, they demonstrate how disagreement can be managed constructively.

By calmly working towards a solution that considers both people's needs, parents provide children with a practical example of collaboration and compromise.

Difficult conversations require honesty and care

Some of the most challenging negotiations parents face have little to do with screen time or bedtime.

Conversations about divorce, illness, money, grief or a child's own struggles can profoundly affect a young person's sense of security.

Srikison says excluding children from difficult conversations in an attempt to protect them can have unintended consequences.

“I have witnessed the harm done when parents, meaning only to protect, shut their children out of conversations that reshape the children's entire world. A child shut out of a difficult conversation does not feel protected. They feel powerless, and they fill the silence with fears far worse than the truth,” she says.

Including children does not mean burdening them with adult responsibilities or unnecessary detail. Instead, parents should provide age-appropriate honesty and reassurance.

Make difficult conversations age-appropriate

Parents should choose an appropriate time and place for difficult conversations rather than raising serious issues in passing.

Srikison recommends starting with reassurance by explaining what will remain the same before discussing what will change.

Plain, concrete language is also important, as children can interpret euphemisms as avoidance.

Parents should give children an opportunity to ask questions, express their feelings and explain their concerns without immediately trying to solve every problem for them.

“Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is, ‘That's a hard thing to feel, and I'm here to listen to you,’” she says.

Listen to understand, not to win

Listening is one of the most important skills parents can teach - and demonstrate - when raising a future negotiator.

Rather than immediately offering advice, parents can reflect what they hear from their child.

For example, saying, “It sounds like you're worried about your friends at school,” shows the child that their concerns have been heard and understood.

“This is the same skill that sets a real negotiator apart from a mere arguer: you are not there to win the conversation, but to make space for the other person to be heard and to help shape what comes next,” says Srikison.

“You are, in the truest sense, building communication and communication, as I have long believed, is what builds collaboration and understanding. That lesson does not begin in a boardroom. It begins at your kitchen table, with a child who has been given a voice and taught how to use it well.”

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